I am Jack's crappy blog

#97- Run a half marathon

2012-02-12T03:06:00.001-08:00

...

#34- Paint the Sunset

2012-02-12T02:40:00.000-08:00

So I did this one awhile ago.

Farenheit 451

2011-10-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

Well because of my new job I have a whole lot of time to burn doing nothing so I started to knock off some books on the list. I came across Farenheit 451 and thought it would be a good one to start. I really enjoyed this book and that's saying something because I absolutely hate to read. I really would rather do anything else.
Well, this book reminded me of the movie Josie and the Pussycats, even though it's a dumb movie. If you've never seen it, don't waste your time; I will sum it up in thirty seconds for you. An evil ad corporation uses an all-female pop band to subliminally slip advertisements into the minds of the youth across the nation. That's about it. Even though this book was written in like 1950, I still think it's amazing how much it applies today. He got it right on. "Frightening in its implications. . . Mr. Bradbury's account of this insane world, which bears many alarming resemblances to our own, is fascinating."- New York Times.
It took me awhile to catch on that this takes place in the future and it really is close to what is reality today. Wall to wall televisions in every home that people spend countless hours watching as if the sitcom actors were "family". Fast cars that get people to their mindless jobs as quickly as possible. Even presidential voting for outward appearances above merits. "I voted last election, same as everyone, and I laid it on the line for President Noble. I think he's one of the nicest looking men ever became president."
As sad as it is to think this is our reality, I realize it is very much so. I immediately thought of Apple, the Kardashians, MTV, countless other companies and people telling us what is cool and what isn't. We really can't have opinions anymore. We may think we do but we don't. Our opinions are given to us and they change weekly.
The book about banning books that promoted freedom of thought was banned. Ironic?

Idiots... (You know who you are)

2011-10-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

I have a bone to pick with idiots. I have been meaning to post this for some time now and I am finally getting around to it. I am trying to sell one of my four vehicles that I currently own and I have it listed on ksl. So I get texts for it every now and then and this one was especially good. And by good I mean retarded. I am sorry for the politically incorrect term but I initially thought this guy was a twelve year old girl. But when I found out he wasn't this was the only other logical explanation I could think of. He's got some serious mental issues. So anyway here's the conversation. His are in red.

2:47pm- D u still have the subaru? (ps this will be verbatim and pps does it really take a ton more time to write do you?)

10:45am- I do. Would you like to come take a look at it

11:00am- Do you have the subaru ?

Yes

I thought you sold it?

It turned out he didnt have the money

Oh i'm busy now but i'll text you in a little bit.

Ok

2:01pm- Hey where u at in orem

Kinda by Harmons on 8th north

I'm kinda busy till about 4 though

Oh well maybe tonight then cause i had sometime now d u go to uvu (I guess it does save time)

I did

Oh by chance u know or u know at what time is the devotional today (Why sure, let me look that up for you. Anything else I can do for you today?)

I would imagine probably like 7

Ussualy where at ?

I'm not sure

Can u find out please i alredy try to calling but no one answer (it was sunday)

I don't have internet right now sorry (that's a lie, I have an iPhone)

Do you know anyone you can ask

2:37pm-No sorry

4:14pm-Thanks do you have time to show it this afternoon

Yes I'm free right now till about 530

4:39pm-How about around 7 (what part of till 530 don't you understand?)

I can't till about 830. Sorry

Well tomorrow then

Ok. I work till about 8

5:12pm- Can it be before dark? (I guess it was the "till" he didn't understand)

I WORK TILL 8

Two days later, 9:25pm- Hey u still have it

I do. Do you want to take a look at it?

Yep but during the day let me know if works tomorrow befo8re

Yes. Anytime before 3

Next day, 3:45pm- Are u available in a couple of hours?

4:07pm- At about 7ish

5:52pm- Hey so is it A clean title and have no problems?

Yeah it's clean and everything runs great

k 7 it is then! my phone is dying so i might call you a little after 7

Ok

6:42pm- Golden corral at 7ish (yes sir)

You can't come to my house?

Nop id have time

Well then I might be a little later then 7. I'm still at work

Ok but hurry we need to see still with day light

Ok. But are you most likely going to buy it?

Yep there is good chances i think

Ok I'll bring the title and everything

7:12pm- Where are u

I just got off work sorry. I'm coming

Are u going to be here soon or are u waisting my time?

7:30pm- I'll be there. It's getting dark though. Do you still want to

Yes come

Ok

Two phone calls, one of which I answered and he said " What the heck? Are you coming or not?"
To which I replied, "Chill dude, I'm driving."

7:35pm- Where to heck are you?

I'm still driving

Are you still there

Yes

Sorry

How long until u get h ere

I'm just pulling up

I'm here

Dude I'm leaving

If you want it I'm not gonna bend over backwards for you. You can come to me

And next time don't be such a douche

I really wonder about us as a civilization sometimes and I am afraid for my kids.

Ironman Pics

2011-08-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

Ironman Louisville 2011

2011-08-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well, to date this has been by far the most expensive and time consuming goal worked on. Naively, I did not expect this when I signed up in January. I thought I would just borrow a bike from Wilson, keep running like I was doing every once in a while, and swim a couple times a week in a local apartment pool to train. I found out quickly that I was so wrong. I signed up on January 19, 2011 for the Ironman Louisville. I began researching training plans online and settled on a 20-week program from beginnertriathlete.com. You will notice that this is the first hit in a Google search for “free Ironman training plan”. I was going for cheap here. After all I was a beginner triathlete and this was my first triathlon and also my first time competing in any type of race since I ran a charity 5k in the seventh grade. I started riding indoors in February with Matt Wilson and of course learned all about heart rate zones and other nonsense I really didn’t care about. My official training began in April and I decided to take a swim lesson from the rec center. That helped quite a bit and I found out I was way off on my concept of swimming efficiently. I guess the best thing I could do now is to list off an expense and time report just to see exactly how much training I went through to get this far.

Ironman Entrance Fee- $614.00

Swim Lesson- $30.00

2 months of gym membership- $60.00

Swim Suits- $45.00

Goggles/Swim Cap/Nose Clip/etc.- $37.00

Nutritional Supplements (not including gels, etc.)- $40.00

Biking Clothing (tri suits, shorts, etc.) (this does not include the stuff I stole from Matt)- $265.00

New tires- $70.00

Flat kit and countless tubes I went through- $60.00

Running socks- $24.00

Two pairs of running shoes- $160.00

Garmin GPS Watch- $120.00

22 8-packs of Gatorade- $65.00

Energy Gel- $55.00

Salt pills- $10.00

Gas to get to Louisville- $400.00

Hotel in Louisville- $70.00

(Bike, helmet, shoes,etc., borrowed from Matt)- $3000.00

Total- $5125.00

This trip had been all about cutting it close. I got an email a couple days before the race from the producer of the Ironman live TV show saying that he wanted to interview me and that I was like one of twenty people that he chose because he liked what I put on my application. I don’t even really remember filling it out because it was like one in the morning. So we had to adjust our leaving plans. I had planned to get there Saturday so I booked a hotel for Saturday night. Which was fine except we had to be there Friday. So we drove all Thursday night in order to make my interview at 2:00. But we ran into a whole bunch of closed roads due to the Missouri river flooding. This caused way more anxiety than I wanted before an all day race. So due to some really fast driving the last three hours we made it into Louisville and I ran to the hotel where it was being done. He was on the last one when I showed up. He was glad to see me because he especially wanted to ask me a few questions and put me on the live feed. We talked for a little bit about my bucket list and why Ironman and then I recorded some short clips for commercial breaks and such. And that was that. Then I met up with Trevor and Cristen and I checked in, which was all a blur cause they just pointed me to the next tables I needed to go to and quickly explained the waivers I had to sign saying I wouldn’t sue if I died or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, on to the solution of being in Louisville with no place to spend the night. We planned on staying on the church lawn but the branch president put his foot down on that one. I didn’t see what the problem was but oh well. While I was at the welcome dinner and mandatory athlete meeting that night, Trevor found us a place to stay at the mission president’s home. I felt really kind of alone at the meeting and knew that was probably how Sunday was going to turn out. Well enough about the boring stuff; I’ll get to the race. I woke up at 4:00 in the morning, showered, and had as much of a bagel as I could stomach. I mixed up some energy drink and downed a whole Gatorade and a 5-hour energy. I was ready to go. I went and visited my bike one last time to put my bottles on and pump up my tires. As I was pumping up the rear the valve stem came out with a loud pop and I thought oh this is off to a great start. Luckily it didn’t shoot out and it was just in the cap. So I was off to the start where I got my number and age markered on my arms and legs. I thought we got there pretty early since it opened at 5 and it was like 5:15 but we were like 1500^th in line. I decided that didn’t matter since I wasn’t really in danger of not making the 2 hour 20 minute swim cutoff time. At 6:50 the cannon went off and the official race time started as the pros entered the water. At 7:00 the pushers started throwing people off the dock and I was in the water by like 7:10. As always, I thought I was going to drown during the first 300 meters or so but that was normal for me before settling into race pace. As I swam it just felt like I was going so slow but I would look behind me every once in a while and there were still people behind me so I was good. As I rounded the island I made the mistake of trying to clear my goggles of fog and didn’t get a very tight seal and started to leak water. One more stop fixed that problem and I was ready to bang out that last 1000 meters. Except that it felt like I was swimming through concrete. My shoulders and triceps were on fire, but as I swam under the last bridge I could see the thousands of people cheering us into transition and I caught my second wind. The volunteers grabbed me and I was just so happy I wasn’t at the bottom of the Ohio River. I ran to the changing tent, which was just a bunch of naked guys on folding chairs. No one was really talking so I tried to lighten the mood by asking a couple people how the water was. Nobody thought I was funny. So I put on my shoes and helmet, turned on my watch and ran out the door to my bike. I grabbed it and clipped in at the road and I was off. My shoulders were still a little tight when I went down into aero position and I realized I should have taken the time to stretch a little bit. The first 12 miles were flat and my plan was to take the first 40 or so easy so I would be fresh for the run. I was feeling confident on the bike because I had spent the most time training on it and I could cruise at a speed that would let me finish at around six hours. As I hit mile three, my foot came unclipped from the pedal, which is weird because it usually takes a hard twisting force, like a crash, to come out. When I looked down I stared in unbelief as I saw the whole left side of my crank attached to my shoe. I thought there is no way this could be happening. I got off and see if I had the tools to fix it but the bolt had fallen out and was who knows where. So after some bad words, I realized that the next aid station was three miles away and it was my best shot to find a bike tech. I put the right side in as far as it would go and started pedal with one pedal as hundreds and hundreds of bikers passed me saying “that sucks”. You think? I had to stop every couple hundred feet to put the chain back on because my pedal stroke pulled out the crank making it fall off. But I finally made it to the aid station and yelled for a tech but there wasn’t one there. They got on the radio and asked for a tech that had an extra bolt but the nearest one was about half hour away. As I sat down still in unbelief, knowing deep down that I probably wasn’t going to finish, a kid said, “You can’t just ride with one pedal?” I know he was just trying to be funny but I wanted to punch him in the face. Instead I said nothing. That half hour turned into two as the tech finally showed up on the scooter. I jumped up and asked if she had a bolt. She looked through the bag and luckily had one that fit. I thanked her deeply and I was on my way again. As I was riding out the 30 miles to do my two 30 mile loops and a ten mile out and back before heading back to transition, I saw the pros coming back into town and thought wow, this is embarrassing. Yeah, they are that fast. I knew the course really well and according to the reviews I knew exactly what I was up against. Rolling hills. I just would like to say that they were rolling but they definitely favored the uphill part a little more. I knew I had to start on lap two by 2:30 so I was pushing myself to make the deadline. So much for taking it easy on the first 40 miles. My nutrition plan was also failing because I left my watch running at the first aid station so I knew what my total time was which meant I had to do a lot more math and averaging than I was capable of at the moment. I had also mentally checked out as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself and it was really hard to get back on the bike after that happened. I can’t even say how many times I went back and forth on quitting or not. I knew it would be embarrassing to go back without even trying so I pushed harder. Which also threw off my nutrition plan. As I rode through the town of LaGrange, through the Ironman festival, the thousands of cheering fans and supporters, I looked for Trevor and Cristen. I rode though so fast I didn’t even get a chance to see them. That also took a toll on me mentally. At about mile 45 I started to cry and I didn’t even know why. I was frustrated and tired but I knew that if I kept crying I would lose much needed fluid and I needed all that I could keep in. I pushed up the steepest part fairly easily and stopped at an aid station at about mile 57. I said I was still on the first lap and he said I still had an hour to go the 4 miles. I had this no problem. Except I had to do all those hills again. And my legs were starting to turn to jello. And I had no idea how fast I was averaging since my watch took into account the two hours I was stopped. So I watched it creep up from 6 past 10 to 12.5 average I had to do more math every few minutes to find out my average speed. I asked the guy what time the final cutoff for the bike was and he thought it was 5:30. I quickly did the math and realized I had to go about 60 miles in about 3 hours. That was way faster than I was capable of but I set off to do my second lap again. As I turned left to go through LaGrange again the roads were like a ghost town. There were no screaming fans, no loud speakers, everyone had cleaned up and gone inside or back to Louisville to cheer on their athlete. I saw Trevor and Cristen and I explained what happened and that I didn’t think I was gonna make the final cutoff. Once again, the decision to quit bounced around in my head a few times. It helped to see them though. I pushed on and passed a biker every now and then. I rode with a guy for a few miles when I happened to ask if he knew when the final cutoff for the bike was. He said 6:20, we have plenty of time, don’t worry about it. So here I was, pushing harder to keep a 20 mph average when I still had an extra hour to finish. More wasted, more dizzy, and more determined to at least start the run. As I turned to start the final 30 miles or so back into town, I was happy that it was mostly downhill. There hills every once in a while but not like the ones on the out and back or the loops. I coasted at about 30 down them, which was a little scary because I was down on the handlebars and dizzy so I stabilized with my knees and didn’t pedal. On the hills the bike would have trouble shifting and dropped the chain every couple of miles or so. More time wasted. I reached the 100-mile sign and screamed. It was flat from here all the way in. I saw Cristen and Trevor right before the timing mats and I yelled, ”I need Wendy’s. I’m being serious. Come find me at the start of the run.” I was so hungry and my stomach couldn’t handle any more gel. I walked into the changing tent once again and I was super happy. I made it with 40 minutes to go. I knew I could just about walk a six-hour marathon. I threw on my shoes, grabbed a coke, and was once again out in the hot sun. I started out walking the first mile like my original plan and I told Trev to find me a hamburger or a bean burrito or something solid. I got to the 2^nd St Bridge to run to Indiana and back and was feeling strong. My revised plan was to run at about a 12-minute mile as much as I could and then walk for a minute till I couldn’t do that anymore. My legs felt great but my stomach was getting worse and worse. I knew it was going to be a problem later on. At about mile 6 my watch gave up and died. Great, more math. Every mile checkpoint I asked what time it was to figure out my average. I could do 15-minute miles, which is a fast walk and could make it by about 11:40, the cutoff to finish being midnight. I was so happy I was going to finish and I felt great other than crying every other mile. I don’t even know why because I was fine. At about mile 10 I was getting worse and I could no longer run which was my buffer zone for time. It was then time to walk. The worst part was I was walking with everyone who was on their second lap and was about to make the turn to head to the finish line. People kept yelling words of encouragement to me. “Just 3 more miles. You can do it! Finish strong.” I still had another lap to go. I didn’t say anything. At mile 12 my arms and legs went numb. It felt like I was suffocating. My stomach was cramping and I was dizzy. I asked what time it was at the aid station and figured out I had dropped down to a 17-minute mile. At that point I knew I was not going to make it. I also forgot to get food and water at that aid station. I continued on to mile 13 where I knew Cristen and Trevor would be waiting and I could tell them I was calling it. Just before the 13-mile mark I must have looked pretty horrible because I was all over the road and a lady asked if I was feeling alright. I said yeah and about 30 seconds later a cop came up to me and said I needed to sit down. The lady grabbed me some water and I got it down. He then called me a medical truck to take me to the medical tent and I said I was done. I threw up a couple times out the window as soon as we started going. It was the most horrible stomach pain I have ever experienced but I felt a lot better afterward. I was happy with my effort. As I sat on a cot with an IV in, getting injected with stuff for nausea, I realized that I would have to do this all over again someday and that is what upset me the most. That and it was kind of embarrassing to be a featured athlete and then not finish, but I don’t care anymore. I’m not mad or even disappointed. I set goals for myself and I met every single one of them except for finishing and I tried to reach it until I collapsed. Part of the reason this was on my bucket list was to see exactly what limits I could push my body to. I did exactly that. I know now that I can take exactly 13 hours, 47 minutes, and 44 seconds of extreme physical, mental, and emotional activity.

Training Hours

Week	Swim	Bike	Run	Total
1	1.7	3.3	3.0	8
2	2.2	3.8	3.0	9
3	2.2	4.5	3.3	10
4	1.7	3.3	3.0	8
5	2.5	6.2	3.3	12
6	3.5	6.5	4.0	14
7	4.0	7.5	4.5	16
8	1.8	4.0	2.7	8.5
9	6.3	3.0	1.7	11
10	2.3	3.5	6.7	12.5
11	1.5	11.0	1.5	14
12	2.0	4.0	2.5	8.5
13	2.8	7.0	3.7	13.5
14	3.0	7.5	5.0	15.5
15	3.8	8.0	5.2	17
16	3.0	9.5	5.5	18
17	2.0	4.8	3.2	10
18	1.5	8.5	3.0	13
19	1.3	5.5	2.2	9
20	1.3	2.2	1.5	5
Total	50.4	113.6	68.5	232.5

#14- Purchase an Original Piece of Art

2011-03-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

My artist friend Emily painted this awesome picture for me. It's called "Hammock in the Woods". This picture doesn't really do it justice so you have to come see it in real life. Well it's official. I have some class and I now own an original piece of art. Maybe it'll be worth something someday. I promise I won't sell it..(unless it's worth like 100,000 or I'm really broke). So thanks Emily for helping me cross one more off the list.

Well it's been awhile..

2010-12-18T13:16:00.001-08:00

And since this originally was supposed to be a place to put my pictures, here are some of my favorites from this year. Enjoy

pics cont'd...

2010-12-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

JetBlue- All You Can Jet Pass

2010-10-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

So it's been a crazy month. I don't even feel like real life anymore. In case you didn't know, I bought an unlimited flight pass and covered pretty much the whole country. I'm reminded of a quote from Fight Club, one of my favorite movies and from which I got the title to this blog.

"You wake up at SeaTac. SFO. LAX. You wake up at
O' Hare. Dallas Fort-Worth. BWI"

     
                             ATTENDANT
                 Check-in for that flight doesn't
            begin for another two hours, Sir.

"Pacific, Mountain, Central.  Lose an hour,
gain an hour.  This is your life,
and it's ending one minute at a time.

You wake up at Air Harbor International.

If you wake up at a different time, in a
different place, could you wake up as
a different person?

Everywhere I travel -- tiny life.
Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream,
single pat of butter.
Microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit.

Shampoo/conditioner combo. 
Single-serving mouthwash, tiny bars of soap.

The people I meet on each flight -- they're
single-serving friends.
Between take-off and landing, we have our
time together, but that's all we get.

Which brings me to my next point; I've met a lot of interesting people all over this country. Some, not even from this country. I've met business owners, salesmen, mechanical engineers, MLM groupies, Swiss vacationers, and some just downright crazy people. I've seen things I've never seen before and I've experienced things I probably won't ever experience again, and it's been fun to say the least. So drop whatever it is you're doing, and get out there and see America, cause there's some pretty cool stuff to see out there.

This is inspiring...

2010-09-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

yet kind of makes me depressed how a guy with one leg is still a way better skier than I am. Makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.

#33- Bike across the Golden Gate Bridge

2010-09-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

#82- Spit off the empire state building

2010-09-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

#39- Get on TV

2010-09-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

#36- Take a star map and see how many constellations I can find

2010-09-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

So this post is dedicated to my good friend Jay Riley who gave me this sweet piece of astronomy equipment called a stellarscope. I highly recommend getting one. You can basically set your latitude and the time and date and look at a view of the sky complete with constellations. Also I couldn't have accomplished this goal without the help of Marissa. Also we decided that whoever named these constellations were pretty heavily into the opium, cause we honestly didn't see Pegasus or Hercules.

#17- Buy a custom tailored suit

2010-09-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

(artist's rendition of Jordan)

Alright, alright. So this is not really what I had in mind when I came up with this goal because I originally had in my mind a suit made from scratch. But I did buy this new suit from Macy's and it was custom tailored to me so I'm gonna go ahead and count it for now. (until I can get my other made from scratch suit)

#18- Try an Oyster

2010-08-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

I think the pictures pretty much explain it all... Thanks a lot WinCo for selling me the biggest oysters imaginable.

Just in case you were wondering...

2010-08-16T00:03:00.001-07:00

Click on it to make it full screen

So I made a complete fool out of myself in class today...

2010-08-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

when I read this and laughed out loud. I thought it deserved a post. Just don't read it in a setting that you can't laugh like a funeral or in a courtroom. Judges have no sense of humor.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?" Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

#46- See a Drive-in Movie

2010-07-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Speaking of drive-in movies, I highly recommend seeing Inception. It was one of the better movies that has come out in a long time. But don't see it if you're dumb cause you won't understand it and I really don't want to be responsible for explaining it to you. Also I am inspired to make my truck the ultimate drive-in vehicle. Let's just say that plans for a bench seat and a dolby surround sound system in the bed are underway.

#56- Get in the Guinness Book of World Records

2010-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

#26- Frolic Through a Field Naked (yes there's a picture)

2010-07-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

It was actually quite enjoyable. This goal has inspired me to create a separate naked list of things to do before I die.

(contact me if you want to see the video)

2 more down...

2010-07-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well it's goal time again and I knocked out two last night. Thanks to Ryan Freeman for the video and the pics. Enjoy

Me becoming one with nature. FYI this step is required for walking on hot coals

#32- Sleep in a hammock in the mountains

#100- Walk on hot coals

I'm running out of clever titles

2010-06-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, they sell them in the bookstore.

95% of female conversations I've overheard...

2010-05-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

go something like this...

Alright to be fair I'll post the other part of the video, but it's not nearly as funny. (What is she thinking about how she feels?)

#25- Plant a tree

2010-04-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

easy

#4- Stay awake for 50+ hours

2010-04-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so for this one, in light of finishing the semester and being in chemistry mode, I've decided to document this goal like one of my lab notebooks. This could turn into something not very funny at all or something like that guy who documented his own acid trip so we'll see how it goes...
(note: this was the original text of the 50 hours and has not been changed, edited, or spellchecked)

Start time- 8:00 Thursday, April 22, 2010

12 hours awake- I feel kinda tired already. Crap

15 hours awake- Ok so in order to accomplish this I'm gonna need to be super productive between the hours of 2 and 6. I'm not entirely sure what that is going to include but I'm bound to have some good ideas.

18 hours awake- So apparently super productive means playing xbox for three hours... good to know. I need some food or something. What's open? Beto's :)

19 hours awake- Wow, I feel like I caught a second wind.. I'm so energized right now it's weird. It's like when you hike timp at midnight and have tons of energy. Maybe I'll go hike timp real fast. That will kill some time. That is one thing I am noticing. When everyone is sleeping there is NOTHING to do. Boredom is my biggest enemy here I think. Maybe I'll go study for a little bit.

21.5 hours awake- I don't even know what to write. I can't even think stright. I'm really feeling it now. Almost halfway. On a side note, there is a whole crap load on the internet. I've learned about so many things. I learned how to rewire my glow plugs to be run by a manual switch. I've learned how to purify organic compounds using flash column chromatography(which is probably what I'lll be doing at work in a couple hours). I've learned how to navigate by the stars which is also another one of my goals and I'll be putting into practice later. So many things to be learned on the internet, so little time.

28 hours awake- Wow I feel like crap.. Just got back from working in the lab. I don't even know if I went though. I can't tell reality from imagination. Well, I'm off to a friend's race. I'll check in later.

32 hours awake- Ok, so this is probably my fourth wind. I actually don't feel too tired. Pretty much like a normal day. I just got back from donating plasma and I didn't even fall asleep watching a movie. Impressive huh? I'm going to eat something. I'm starting to get a little shaky. Plasma or no sleep? Probably both

34 hours awake- Don't weld anything under sleep deprived conditions.

36 hours awake- I'm having a hard time controlling things that come out of my mouth. I feel like I'm on a cruise ship. Everything just moves up and down. I get dizzy easily when I stand. And I can feel my pulse in my neck.

38 hours awake- My body fills like its filled with helium. Light and fluffy. Everything seems like its in slow motion. I probably wouldn't pass a DUI test.

40 hours awake-Ok I walked home to get some fresh air and wake up a bit and it helped. NOt a lot but it helped. I just want this to be done. I might be hallucinating but this stupid html box won't let me type normally. It just moves the cursor automatically between words and it's starting to annoy me. A lot. I need to come up with some good ideas in these last 10 hours. I'll try to come up with something each hour that is left. This post will be lucky if it is even semi coherent at all. I dont even care.

41 hours awake- Idea #1- An iphone pdf/doc reader app that lets you send the document to a wifi printer. I can't tell you how many times in class I've needed or wanted to print something but couldn't.
Thought of the hour: If I ever chose to live the life of drugs and rock and roll and sleep deprivation, I would be awesome at it according to my scores on rock band. Apparently sleep deprivation= better drumming. I also think I like to use the word deprivation a lot. Maybe too much?

42 hours awake- Idea#2- Reverse Anesthesia/Electroanalgesia... I don't want to tell you what this is. It's too long.

43 hours awake- Idea#3- Transdermal pre-natal vitamin pump... see above

44 hours awake- Idea #4- I had this one when I was hanging a clock above the toilet and fell and hit my head. It's called a flux capacitor and basically makes time travel possible. And also, I went for another walk... There is a weird amount of birds singing at four in the morning. They are up to no good. Trust me

45 hours awake- Idea #5- An Iphone app for wedding registries.. e.g- You walk into Target as you open the app and select the store and name of the registered couple. The app is then synched with the store's database and lists the available gifts by price and tells you the availability and aisle the item is on. ($0.99/app x 1,000,000 apps purchased= $990,000)= no need to go to dental school

46 hours awake- Idea #6- No more ideas. Let's face it, all of my best ones were 1-5. I'm not ever gonna top those. I'm gonna go watch a movie or something. (PS if you didn't understand what the h I was talking about, don't worry about it. It's not for you anyway. It's just so I don't forget)

47 hours awake- Victory lap... I could probably do 60. I'm so awake now.

50 hours awake- Just kidding. I'm tired.

Like most of my goals are turning out to be, I wouldn't recommend this.
End time- 10 something, Saturday, April 24, 2010

Perfect...

2010-04-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

Ok ok.. So I know I throw around the word perfect a lot, but this time I really mean it. I literally sat looking at the ceiling for the last thirty minutes trying to put what I just experienced into words and that's all that I could come up with. Muse plays perfect music. The end. The only way I could come close to describing it is that I've been doing acid for the past three hours straight, which very well could be the case if someone slipped me something. The show was so visually and audibly stimulating I can only imagine it like a bad trip. And by bad, I mean amazing. Where to start... The background, for one, was overloading as it was. Three skyscrapers with a whole other show going on inside of them, while the band played right in the middle of them. Yes, the middle. Like 30th floor middle. Then, the music. Ahh the music. It was so beautifully constructed I honestly almost cried, but I was with a girl so I fought back the tears. And yes, I do mean beautifully. For most of the show, there was no cheering. People just stood there in awe, with their mouths wide open. They truly have a superior knowledge about music and how it should go together as opposed to most of the "green days" of today. Not just the same boring chord progressions over and over again, moved up a couple frets for different songs. No, these were actual notes, fused together how they should be. There were 5ths and 7ths and diminished chords and interludes(don't even get me started on the interludes). It was a true masterpiece. Speaking of interludes, anyone that works Led Zeppelin into an interlude is alright in my book. You either have to be British or Muse to pull that off and lucky for them, they're both. Anyway, this post probably isn't even coherent due to the fact that it's 1 am and I am still euphoric. But I guess I will close with this; If I am lucky enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, I fully expect to hear Muse songs played on all of the elevators and patios by the pool. After all, no unperfect thing can dwell there and like I said before, the performance was perfect. I don't know who reads this blog (maybe like 4 people) but I'll just go ahead and say it (apologizing if I offend anyone). Muse, you put on a hell of a show. Thank you,
Jordan

#93- Eat a dozen Krispy Kremes in one sitting

2010-04-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

(and by one sitting I mean before halftime)

Well, it's goal time again, and I SERIOUSLY underestimated this one. I haven't accomplished one in a while so I thought I'd knock out an easy one. I should have gone with Everest I guess. Things were going well and I was feeling good about myself when I inhaled the first 7 in about two and a half minutes. But the next five took me about 45 minutes. To anyone that follows this closely I would not recommend ever eating a dozen Krispy Kremes at once. Although I did it.. so goal accomplished. Go me.

Check out my awesome cousin..

2010-03-09T10:00:00.001-08:00

#87- Get tazed

2010-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

Alright, due to popular demand, I'm posting this video. The quality is not too good but I'll replace when I get the better one. Enjoy

One word to describe myself...

2010-02-21T18:10:00.000-08:00

Now I know what you're all thinking, how self-centered is this guy that he chooses words to describe himself? You can't do that! And the answer is very. It's my blog, I can be as stuck up and cocky as I want to be. But anyway, that's not what brings me here tonight. The one word I choose when describing myself would be "Resourceful". Yes, resourceful. I recently went night skiing (which I do quite often) and in my ongoing efforts to stick it to the man (the man being corporate America and overpriced hamburgers at ski resorts) I invented a new recipe. And guess how much my three and a half star gourmet cost. Nothing. All I had to do was flirt with the girl at the counter and convince her that I was in need of a cup for water. Water, heh heh, yeah right. Ok here's the recipe as follows:

-Fill up your cup halfway with the free hot water.

-Sneak about 17 ketchup packets from the counter while flirting with the girl at the register.

- Carefully empty the contents of the ketchup packets into hot water and stir until a uniform thickness is reached.

- Add salt and pepper/hot sauce to taste.

optional: if there are free crackers available, add for thickness. I highly recommend this.

Well there ya go. If you are every in the need for a delicious free meal, or your wife kicks you out of the house for a few weeks and you become homeless, feel free to use my recipe.

Editor's note: For all you dieters out there, the calorie content has yet to be established but it can't be more than 58, so you're good to go. Nutritional value undetermined. May cause insomnia, heart failure, and sterility in males.

101 Books

2010-02-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

Homer- Iliad
Homer- Odyssey
Dante- Divine Comedy
Machiavelli- The Prince
Cervantes- Don Quixote
Defoe- Robinson Crusoe
Benjamin Franklin- Autobiography
Milton- Paradise Lost
Paine- Common Sense
Swift- Gulliver's Travels
Austen- Pride and Prejudice
Austen- Emma
Bronte- Jane Eyre
Bronte- Wuthering Heights
Lord Byron- Don Juan
Carroll- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Carroll- Through the Looking Glass
Dickens- Great Expectations
Dickens- David Copperfield
Dumas- The Count of Monte Cristo
Eliot- Middlemarch
Dostoyevsky- Crime and Punishment
Dostoyevsky- Brothers Karamazov
Emerson- Nature
Hawthorne- The Scarlet Letter
Hugo- Les Miserables
Marx- The Communist Manifesto
Melville- Moby Dick
Shelley- Frankenstein
Stoker- Dracula
Stowe- Uncle Tom's Cabin
Thoreau- Civil Disobedience
Tolstoy- War and Peace
Tolstoy- Anna Karenina
Wells- The Time Machine
Wells- The Invisible Man
Buck- The Good Earth
Conrad- Heart of Darkness
Eliot- The Waste Land
Fitzgerald- The Great Gatsby
Freud- The Interpretation of Dreams
Haley- Roots
Keynes- The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money
King- Letter from Birmingham Jail
Lee- To Kill a Mockingbird
Lewis- The Screwtape Letters
Lewis- Mere Christianity
Mandela- Long Walk to Freedom
Orwell- Animal Farm
Steinbeck- The Grapes of Wrath
Tolkien- Lord of the Rings
Tolkien- The Two Towers
Tolkien- The Return of the King
Tolkien- The Hobbit
Lao Tzu- Tao-te Ching
Darwin- The Origin of Species
Watson- The Double Helix
Mandelbrot- The Fractile Geometry of Nature
Monod- The Origins of Molecular Biology
Euclid- Elements
Hawking- A Brief History of Time
Rhodes- The Making of the Atomic Bomb
Aesop- Fables
Palaniuk- Fight Club
Hemingway- The Old Man and the Sea
Mitchell- Gone With The Wind
Miller- Death of a Salesman
Williams- A Streetcar Named Desire
Williams- Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Hackett- Diary of Anne Frank
Guare- Six Degrees of Separation
Hwng- M. Butterfly
Kyosaki- Rich Dad, Poor Dad
Shakespeare- Romeo and Juliet
Shakespeare- Macbeth
Marquez- One Hundred Years of Solitude
Faulkner- As I lay Dying
Faulkner- The Sound and the Fury
Smith- The Wealth of Nations
Golding- Lord of the Flies
Lewis- The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
Orwell- 1984
~~Bradbury- Farenheit 451~~
Nabakov- Lolita
Chaucer- Canterbury Tales
Salinger- The Catcher in the Rye
Heller- Catch 22
Milne- Winnie the Pooh
Twain- Huckelberry Finn
Kipling- The Jungle Book
Vonnegut- Slaughterhouse 5
White- Charlotte's Web
Malcolm X- Autobiography
Joyce- Ulysses
Adams- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Card- Ender's Game
London- The Call of the Wild
Hemingway- A Farewell to Arms
King- It
Clancy- The Hunt for Red October
The Book of Mormon

#45- Perfect a magic trick

2010-01-31T22:46:00.000-08:00

Now before you watch this, you have to understand a very important detail. If you have the urge to write a comment with something to the effect of "Dude, I totally know how you did this" you have to realize that I don't care. Anybody can figure it out if they watch it enough times. These are my goals not yours. With that in mind, enjoy.

1 Down...

2010-01-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

I kicked off the list with an easy one.. Here's my proof.

100 things to put on a resume..

2010-01-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

So I've decided that blogs are kind of boring and that I was going to spice mine up a bit. I have come up with a list of 100 different things to do before I die. Which if I keep up some of the things that I do might be in about seven and a half years(approximation). So here's what I have come up with so far. I will also be posting according to the ones that I accomplish. Here they are (in no particular order)...

One month without eating out
Try veganism for two weeks
Be able to play "Claire de Lune" to impress people at parties
~~Stay awake for 50+ hours~~
Hike King's Peak
Learn a new language
Do an ironman triathlon
Get good at golf
Ride a motorcycle to Mexico
Learn to surf
Skydive
Ride in a hot air balloon
Ride in a helicopter
~~Purchase an original piece of art~~
~~Beat the original Mario Bros. without warping~~
Make a 1000 dollar bet on a basketball game
~~Buy a custom tailored suit~~
~~Try an oyster~~
Write and record a song that gets on the radio
Marry a pretty girl
Ride in a jet
Ride in a racecar
Climb Mt. Everest
See all seven wonders of the world (1/7) Machu Picchu
~~Plant a tree~~
~~Frolic through a field naked~~
Learn how to cook one dish of fine cuisine
Swim in the Great Salt Lake
Donate 10,000+ dollars to a charity
Visit Asia
Visit Europe
~~Sleep on a hammock in the mountains~~
~~Bike across the golden gate bridge~~
~~Paint the sunset~~
Watch a foreign film in a theatre
~~Take a star map and see how many constellations I can find~~
Go camping by myself
Do a backflip on skis
~~Get on TV~~
Publish a paper
Invent something that needs a patent
Get into dental school
See the northern lights
Keep a car for 5+ years
~~Perfect a magic trick~~
~~See a drive-in movie~~
See a broadway play
See an opera or ballet
Restore a car
Start a dance in a public place
Run with the bulls
Fly a plane
Tell a judge "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth."
Get something named after me
Go to a Stanley cup game
~~Get in the Guinness Book of world records~~
Deliver a baby
Be in a protest
Go to space
Buy a house
Go heli-skiing
Hike through the Amazon
Climb Denali
Photograph an endangered species
Be in Times Square for New Year's
Pay cash for a new car (preferably in a briefcase)
Ski at all the resorts in Utah in one week
Bowl over a 250
Visit a real blues bar in Chicago
Learn to play the drums
Build a computer
Learn how to fence
Survive in the wilderness or on an island for two weeks
Go 200+ mph on land
Get SCUBA certified and own my own equipment
Base jump
Play a sport with a professional of that sport
Learn how to sail
Sell one of my pictures or have it in an art show or gallery
Read all of the book on my "101 books to read before I die" list (click here)
Invent a new ice cream flavor
~~Spit off of the Empire State building~~
Get invited to the white house
Make a viral YouTube video that gets over 100,000 hits
Help a complete stranger accomplish one of his goals
Drive on the autobahn
~~Get tazed~~
Ski the west face of Timpanogos
Go one month without spending more than twenty dollars
Plan a cool tourist photo (e.g. roller coaster) and buy it
Learn how to play the entire Eruption solo (Van Halen)
Research a horse and put money on a race
~~Eat a dozen Krispy Kremes in one sitting~~
Kick a field goal on a collegiate or pro field
Visit all of the six flags parks
See the Mona Lisa at the Lourve
~~Run a half marathon~~
Learn how to slalom ski
Learn how to salsa dance
~~Walk on hot coals~~

Material World

2010-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

Material things are not important in this life. The reason I know this is because in the pre-existence, there are almost no buildings or architecture of any kind. There are only some really nice steps and columns. Also, there are people, singing about whether or not they will find each other or live in the same family on earth. But, other than that, nothing.

The first snowfall of the year...

2009-12-07T08:35:00.001-08:00

Always brings two emotions.

1- Excitement. Whenever I see the first snow of the year I could pee my pants (but that's not what inspired this post today).

2- Hatred towards my fellow man. I don't understand what it is about snow that makes people drive like complete.. (I think the politically correct term is) Asians. And yes that is meant to be derrogatory. I'm sorry but if the roads have pretty much been plowed, I'm pretty sure it's ok to go faster than 20, especially when the speed limit is 50. How long have you lived in Utah? I would guess more than a year due to your Utah plates but then again, you know the saying... the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named lation.. or something like that. I have many more things to say about these great drivers but my mother reads this blog. So if you would like to hear more, just give me a call and I will specify how I really feel. Thank you for your time

Yearbook Highlights

2009-11-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

7th Grade

-"Wuz up Jordan? -Robbie Q."
- "Gluch, Keep it clean and in the pants. -Ben"
- "Careful with the cold water. You don't want too much shrinkage. -Dan R."
- "Have a fun gay summer with your gay friends. Ha Ha Ha Numbskull"

8th Grade

- "You suck. I probably will not ever see you again -Matt W."
- "Jordan- Have a great summer! Stay away from my house! -Laura"
- "Jordan You're a brat! You're hot though! heart/ Sarah R."
- "Bow down to Satan!!! j/k stay cool -Sean"

9th Grade

- "hey dude! you're way awesome and weird, but that's alright! call me -Kelse M.
- "Jordan Go get them tiger Peace Love Rock N Roll all of the good thing just remember to relax love Dave"
- "let's mate -anonymous"

11th Grade

- "I spend a long time wondering whether you were a jerk or just being funny. I still can't really tell. - Mary"
- "Jordan, Hell ya bitch ass - anonymous"

12th Grade

- " Glue j/k, You're so dang cool!! Have a nice summer! You have cool hair! Mary W."
- "Glutch we should kiss :) -Zack"

Prescription Drug Safety

2009-11-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

Well, after many biology and physiology courses, I have come to realize that the human body is amazing. There are so many things our bodies can do, but when they can't, that's where drugs help to fill the void. Drugs can be very useful, although sometimes dangerous, so I've put together a few safety tips to keep in mind before your next visit to the pharmacy.

Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children, even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"

Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle. But, come on, it's medicine–it's good for you.

If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case, which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol of your mortality.

Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party really, really hard.

Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the price of medications.

To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.

Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.

If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the store, it's probably been stepped on.

If your doctor refuses to write you a prescription for fear of "lawsuits", and hasn't responded to threats, there's a TON of pharmacies just south of the border. It's cheaper there anyway.

Remember, drug abuse is no laughing matter. Except when it's somebody you don't know.

Women can do anything men can do...

2009-10-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

...except math, chess, running,

jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things,

making money, hockey, surfing,

driving, making decisions, being tall,

taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose),

reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country,

inventing anything important,

or being fun to hang out with.

Don't get me wrong, I love women. I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain. Actually, women may be even better than men. But we'll never really know since they are always

swinging at bigger balls, hitting from closer tees, doing pushups from their knees,

taking half the beatles money, hos please.

You know you've been at BYU too long...

2009-09-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

...when all you look at anymore is left hands. I look at the left hand even before glancing at the face(which is very unusual for me because I'm very shallow). I guess what I'm getting at is this- This girl(9.5) came and sat next to me in class today and what I considered to be moderate flirting took place. Halfway through the conversation I glanced down and to my sorrow there it was, diamond encrusted lies. So basically my take-home message is this: "Dammit! You got what you came for, you don't need to be in school anymore." BYU would be a lot better off without married females.

Who needs calculus?

2009-08-15T17:49:00.001-07:00

Not me.. I'm done..
(P.S- this is the only math you will EVER need to know)

All Growed Up

2009-07-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

For the very first time in my life I feel like an adult. I probably should have felt this way about 4 years ago when I left for Peru but let's be honest, it's me. I am writing this from Portland where I am currently looking at a dental I hope to get in to. When it hit me. I AM AN ADULT. Maybe it was the tour that got to me and I caught myself thinking, "This is where I will live and go to school for fours years by myself(unless that special someone comes along). And I can do that because Portland is an awesome city with one of the best burger places I've ever eaten at. I do have a list of things that Oregon in general can work on but I will cover that later. I think just being by myself this weekend made me realize this is for real. Pretty much my entire future depends on this. It's not a big deal. Anyway, I loved Portland, some of the best scenery I've ever seen, but as for my complaints, you guessed it my....

LIST OF GRIEVANCES

1. Why do you not want me pumping my own gas?

First, it makes me feel like a man to fill up a gas tank and change my own oil and manly things of that nature, and second it's just dumb. I mistakenly forgot this law as I pulled into a local gas station and jumped out to fill up my tank when the attendant came running over as if someone had just thrown a lit match in my direction. It possibly could have all been in slow motion too. So he took over and to make an already awkward situation even more awkward, I just stood there without saying a word looking at him. Ha ha, I love making people feel awkward. Speaking of laws I accidentally broke this weekend...

2. A 55 MPH SPEED LIMIT?!!!! ON THE FREEWAY?!!!! COME ON Oregon, you used to be cool, what happened to you man?

Yes, I used four exclamation points for each statement, because that's just how upset I am over this whole matter. You crazy freaking liberals. You're not gonna save any more trees by lowering the speed limit and thus reducing those tree murdering emissions. In fact just to show my disapproval, I'm going to go cut down 20 trees for no good reason, one for each mile per hour your speed limit should be and isn't. There ya go. Are you happy now? Innocent trees are dying because of you. I just might go pour some used motor oil all over some baby seals too. What's even more ridiculous is when they catch you doing 75 in a 55. Maybe Officer Felts' wife had just left him or maybe he just found out he had cancer because he was not happy to see me. Cheer up big guy. You can beat this. Unless you have pancreatic cancer then you have about 6 months. Good luck Officer Felts and thanks for being an a hole. You made my trip much more pleasant. Well, that pretty much sums it up for my list of grievances. Portland, you are awesome and I hope to see you in a year.

PS you might want to fire Officer Felts. He's really bringing down your image.
PSS Congratulations on no sales tax. I was quite surprised when my taco meal stayed under three dollars. Keep up the good work.

Another Day of Calculus

2009-07-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to go...

She's just not that into you...

2009-07-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

... if your name is Jordan. Unfortunately last night I was tricked into watching "He's just not that into you". Upon further inspection, and sadly enough, this movie pretty much sums up my entire dating career. (Right up to the title) The movie is as follows:

Girl goes out on a date with Guy
Guy says he'll call
Guy doesn't
Girl goes crazy/ stalks him, etc. etc.

I am still sticking to my nice guys finish last theory, which states "If you are a girl, you like to be treated like crap" Since this is a dating rule, there will be more on this another time. I don't know why they have this mentality, but they do. I've been trying to figure it out for years and yet I still try to be nice but it never really pays out for me. This movie is proof of that. I didn't really enjoy the movie that much because I am a man and i can't like sissy girl movies that explore our feelings but I did find it odd that they based this movie on my life. I don't even remember giving them permission to do that, those bastards. Shouldn't I be getting a royalty check or something? Well, all this has accomplished is two hours of wasted time and a 93% loss of hope so I am cashing in my chips and going off the market. Don't worry ladies, I will be back and I will treat you like crap on a future date to be announced. (Just not right now)

Today...

2009-06-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

was a great day.

What did you expect mother? I'm half machine...

2009-06-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

Why did I waste 22 years of my life not watching this show? That is the question of the day...

Calculus- A hate/hate relationship

2009-06-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

As the days grow nearer to June 22, I regret waking up alive every morning. I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't want to go through this class again, and yet BYU has found another way to make me more and more suicidal. I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, I already have plans to blow up the math building. I don't dread taking calculus. I dread taking calculus from BYU. All they focus on doing is failing as many people as they can while making themselves feel smarter than everyone they are failing. Think of the math department's self esteem as the variable Y. Now think of the failing rate in 113 as X. As X increases, so does Y. Therefore Y=X or possibly Y^2=X. Now throw in Jordan's frustration=Z as a dependent variable of X and Y. Y=X=Z^10. Now do you understand? If you don't, and the only thing you get from reading this is one thing is this: Whatever you do, DO NOT divide by zero. You'll find out why...

Rule #46- The Friend Zone

2009-05-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

If there is something I can't stress enough it is stay away from the friend zone. Now you might come up to me and say "Jordan, what is this friend zone you speak of?" To which I would reply, "Shut up, you know exactly what the friend zone is." And if you don't, you probably have no friends anyway so this doesn't concern you. Just press that next blog button right at the top of the screen there. So anyway, more on the friend zone. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You probably have one or two girls that you are with regularly, just "hanging out". These would be examples of girls in the friend zone. Now there's nothing wrong with having girls that are friends, just don't EVER plan on dating them. Once a girl enters the friend zone, she will never exit. It's sort of a chemical bond that occurs and the physics are just too complicated to explain. By saying those magic words "I think we should just be friends" or "You're like my best friend" or "Hey, why don't I just kick you in the junk and we can go back to being friends" or pretty much any variation on the three, what happens is that she pretty much wants nothing to do with you and she is too nice to put it that way. You sir, are screwed. You pretty much get my point. Well, I for one have had enough. You can pretty much consider this a legal document, a declaration if you will, that I, Jordan Gluch, hereby vow to never have another girl "friend" again. Maybe one day, big guy, maybe one day... Unless I can somehow flip it and put girls in that very same friend zone black hole I can't seem to escape. Hmm... I'll let you know how it works.

Eff me

2009-04-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of being treated like sh**. Maybe it's just me but I seem to have this personality that everyone treats me like I'm four years old, which in turn is magnified when people treat me like I'm four years old and therefore I act four years old. No one seems to take me seriously anymore, even when I have something that could be really life- changing to say. Maybe I just need new friends or something. I don't know but whatever it is, it kind of bugs me. It might be me. What do I know? I need to start over with the Vegas theory in mind. In Vegas, you can be whoever you want to be. On another note, I am writing an entire album that can be synched to Fight Club. Pink Floyd has inspired me for the better. Bravo Syd Barrett, bravo.

"Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop"

2009-04-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down,

I wanna come too

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do

Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was

About this old coffee shop I love so much

All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine,

Now I'm shining too

Because. oh, I've fallen quite hard over you

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know

If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was

About this old coffee shop I love so much

All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was

About this old coffee shop I love so much

All of the while I never knew

All of the while, all of the while it was you

I guess it's time to be creative..

2009-04-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

So this has mostly been used to post some of my favorite pics but due to reasons beyond my control I had to sell my camera. I guess now I have to actually start writing stuff to express how I've been feeling. No one will probably ever read this since I have never even told anyone I have a blog, but on the off chance that someone does I would like to give some advice...

Rule #1

Never under ANY circumstances kiss a girl without having some sort of feelings for her. Chances are she will find out and you'll feel like an A hole for a few months.

Rule #2

Don't mistake little signs of affection for being in love with you. I say this and yet I still do this with every girl I meet. Recently, I've met a couple of different girls with which a certain degree of flirting has taken place. Basically long story short, I thought it was a lot more than that and I felt like an idiot when it turned out to be not more than that. As my mom once told me, "Don't put all your eggs into one basket." I wish I would have listened...

Rule#3

In fact, don't even try with girls. Now that I think about it, just wait until a girl shows interest in you and then decide if you have interest in her. By following this rule, I am saving you a whole bunch of time.. Trust me, you can't win.

Well, this is the first post of probably once a month till I find something better to do. I'll try to continue with some good advice whenever I come across it. Think of me as your dating crash test dummy.

2009-04-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Rain

2008-10-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

Mt. Timpanogos

2008-09-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Fall

2008-09-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am Jack's crappy blog

#97- Run a half marathon

#34- Paint the Sunset

Farenheit 451

Idiots... (You know who you are)

Ironman Pics

Ironman Louisville 2011

#14- Purchase an Original Piece of Art

Well it's been awhile..

pics cont'd...

JetBlue- All You Can Jet Pass

This is inspiring...

#33- Bike across the Golden Gate Bridge

#82- Spit off the empire state building

#39- Get on TV

#36- Take a star map and see how many constellations I can find

#17- Buy a custom tailored suit

#18- Try an Oyster

Just in case you were wondering...

So I made a complete fool out of myself in class today...

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Poster

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Fine. That will have to do.

#46- See a Drive-in Movie

#56- Get in the Guinness Book of World Records

#26- Frolic Through a Field Naked (yes there's a picture)

2 more down...

I'm running out of clever titles

95% of female conversations I've overheard...

#25- Plant a tree

#4- Stay awake for 50+ hours

Perfect...

#93- Eat a dozen Krispy Kremes in one sitting

Check out my awesome cousin..

#87- Get tazed

One word to describe myself...

101 Books

#45- Perfect a magic trick

1 Down...

100 things to put on a resume..

Material World

The first snowfall of the year...

Yearbook Highlights

Prescription Drug Safety

Women can do anything men can do...

You know you've been at BYU too long...

Who needs calculus?

All Growed Up

Another Day of Calculus

She's just not that into you...

Today...

What did you expect mother? I'm half machine...

Calculus- A hate/hate relationship

Rule #46- The Friend Zone

Eff me

"Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop"

I guess it's time to be creative..

Rain

Mt. Timpanogos

Fall

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.